I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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