Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
why do cheetos always look like penises
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
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