home. puking in laundry basket.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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