The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
