He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize