It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
