I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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