at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
