Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
