I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
