It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
