On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
