My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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