I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
