Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
