how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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