Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
