she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
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