just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
