yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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