the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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