Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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