i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize