Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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