By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
