when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I just found puke in my bra..
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
