You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Everyone says I win the strip club
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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