so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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