how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Randomize
