come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
