apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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