connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
