What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
