Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
