They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize