yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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