make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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