Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
