You just made me feel so damn special
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
