My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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