She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
It's rum buckets o'clock
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
