apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
