Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
