how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
