I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
