I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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