So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
