She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
