While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
