do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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