so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
