Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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