When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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