i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
If its not for food we ain't going out.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
