When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
