She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
